Zipperhead Squared

Yesterday, Tuesday, I woke up at 7:50am and felt pretty disgusting.  By 8:10am, I was cuddled up back in bed and ready to spend the entire day nestled up in bed.

I awoke at 12:58pm to a text message from my sister saying “Hey  What are you doing?”

I scrambled out of bed upon realizing the time and not really in the mood to hear my father bitch about how I’d “slept my day away” and responded back with “Nothing, whats up?”

“Come here!

This is a common text message I get from my parents when they want me to come into the room they are in, and I’m in a different room and can’t hear them yelling for me.  This, however, is not a common text message I receive from my sister, who lives 3 and a half hours away…OOOH!  And did I mention she’s like…6 months pregnant?

Right away, I thought something was wrong with Adrian, my unborn nephew, however, upon calling my sister, I learned that she just wanted me to come stay the night last night so I could go with her to an ultrasound tomorrow morning.  She thought it’d be cool for me to see it…

Cool…whatever…I feel okay…I have nothing to do today or tomorrow…why the fuck not, I mean, hell, ONE freaking night won’t kill me….

I agreed to shower, eat, and leisurely stroll up north, when she said I needed to leave by 1:30 otherwise, I’d hit some crazy traffic upon my arrival, and, I’m not a big fan of driving at night.

Fuuuuuuuuuuuck!

I packed two outfits, a pair of PJs, the bathroom essentials, and my laptop, and then tossed on some clothes, and bolted out the door within 18 minutes of getting the first text message.

After a re-fueling stop and a coffee stop, I made it to Oklahoma City right before 5pm where the freaking bombshell was totally dropped on my head.

“Janet!  I’m so glad you’re here!  You should totally stay until NEW YEARS!  Jessie and I were talking, and we don’t have anything planned!  So you’re totally staying til the first or second!  It’ll be SO! MUCH! FUN!”

I died inside, and then began panicking!

“Uh!  I really can’t…I only brought two outfits…and one of them I’m about to go put on after I shower…and then, ya know., one for tomorrow!”

She laughed.  The bitch LAUGHED…IN MY FACE!

“Don’t be silly!  I’m 6 months pregnant, and I can’t fit in my clothes anymore, and we were the same size before I got pregnant!  I have a ton of clothes to give you anyways!  You can just wear those!”

PANIC MODE SET IN!

“I didn’t bring enough underwear!  And I’m NOT wearing your underwear!  And it’d be TOTALLY full of stupidity for me to go buy MORE underwear!  I have TONS at home!”

Yeah…that should totally work!  I’m totally home free, and homeward bound tomorrow afternoon!

“I have a washing machine!  And a DRYER!  I can TOTALLY do your laundry for you!

At that point, I poured my vanilla latte into a travel mug, and spiked it HEAVILY with grey goose, and went grocery shopping with my sister, her baby Daddy, and my drink!

Did you hear that, internets?  I SPIKED my COFFEE and went to WALMART to go GROCERY SHOPPING!

OH! MY! GOD!  Did I mention that my sister asked me if I wanted to go in the bathroom with Jessie and smoke some weed with him, before we went to Walmart!?  Umm…yeah, because she totally did….

And for the record, I declined.

We came back from grocery shopping where I quickly downed a margarita on the rocks before the sister and I went to Babies R Us to do her registry.

Now internets, is it just me, or does being WASTED make baby stuff, ohhh, about 239847239847 times cuter!?  It was kind of fun!  And I bought Adrian a bib that says “My Aunt is HOT! And Single!” because, thats how I roll!

So now, it’s 3:20 am, and I’m sitting on the couch, typing up a blog, and wondering what mysterious disease I need to develop by 7am so I can have an excuse to go home after the appointment tomorrow.

I can’t have any headache, or body aches, otherwise, she won’t let me drive home…

I’m thinking I may develop some herpes of the eye in the 4 and a half hours…because, she wouldn’t want me around with herpes of the EYE…AND, because how hilarious would it be to tell someone that you have herpes…OF THE EYE!  Bleh!  I don’t even want to think of contracting that!

I just made the call.

My disability claim has officially been denied.

I found out 14 minutes ago, and have already purposely made myself sick twice.

My head is throbbing.

My neck is is full of spasms. 

My heart is aching.  I don’t have the heart to call or text either of my parents with the word “DENIED.”

Today, I need pain.  I want to break something or hurt myself.  Causing myself pain is the only way of self-protectiveness I’ve known.

Last night, I was clipping coupons from the Sunday newspaper and my mom made a comment of how well I was using the scissors, as I’ve always had a difficulty operating them.  She made the comment:

“You’re such a good cutter!”

My sick mind got me thinking, as I jokingly made the motion of cutting my wrists with the scissors.  Mom and I both laughed.

Today, I just want to crawl into a deep hole, or dive into a deep pool of water, and never come up again to breathe.

The tears roll down my face.

I’m more scared right now than I was when I woke up surrounded by doctors, fearing that I had an awful allergic reaction to medication,  My tongue was alarmingly swollen.

My dad later informed me that they considered performing a tracheostomy just incase any more swelling happened.

I sit here now, wondering if I left the world, how my mom would react.  If Danica would remember anything about me.  I know she’s so young, she wouldn’t and that in way makes me happy.  Happy she won’t be able to grieve about it or remember.

I’m outraged at the United States government.  Someone as sick and I am can’t get help from my country, however, my sister-in-laws mother is in the process of gaining her citizenship here, and will be supported with health insurance the day she becomes a citizen.

How is that fair, AT ALL?

Last week, I went to my happy place, AKA, a Hanson concert.

I ran into Taylor behind the venue early in the afternoon and gave him Conquer Chiari bracelets, and got a picture with him.  After the show, a group of friends and myself went out by the bus, waiting for the guys to come out.  Taylor was the only one who made it down to where we were.

I explained to him that when I met my niece for the first time, I said “You’re such a doll my dear” to her.  8 months and a week after she was born, I found out those were lyrics in a song off their newest album, “Shout It Out” on a track called “And I Waited.”  I asked of him to write out the lyrics for me to get tattooed on my body for her at a later date.  He obliged happily, and this is what I got.

I love it.  I think it’s perfect, and I think I’m going to go get it put on my back today.  On the day I found out that my claim for disability was denied.  On the 15 month anniversary of Danica’s birth.  I plan to document in Danica’s journal how I’m feeling, and the importance of this tattoo.  She needs to know that she is my world.

She needs to know that, I’m not strong, and she needs to be strong.  She needs to know that She’s made me such a proud aunt.  She’s the only one that ever gives me a reason to smile.  She needs to know that her mother and her maternal gradmother took a major piece of my life away.

She needs to know that I don’t want her looking up to me.  That I’m sick in more ways than one.  I can make her giggle uncontrollably, however, I don’t want her ever envying me.

So, when I go get inked today, Danica will always have my back, as I’ll always have hers.

I hope she isn’t as fucked up as I am.

I love you, DaniBug!

I’m a pretty open book.  If you ask me something, I never shy away from giving you a direct answer..I’m very much a “You ask, and I’ll tell” type of girl.

However, there are things in my life that only my family knows about, as well as some friends who live locally in the area.  Other things, only a handful of people are aware of.

As I’m having probably one of the worst days EVER today, I figured I’d blog, and come clean.  Some things, even now, years later, are still very difficult for me to speak of, therefore, I may keep it vague, very vague.

I post this so people will have a better insight of who I am, and why things may affect me in strange ways…

When I was 12, my sister became a drug addict.  Still, 13 years later, I don’t know exactly which drugs she used and I’m pretty sure it was a plethora of just about everything under the sun.  Her then boyfriend got her into the drugs and she liked them, a lot.

In April of 1998, my sister and her boyfriend had to run errands and brought me with them.  We somehow ended up behind a vacant building in the town just south of where I lived.  We were rocking out to some Usher and he said he needed to get in the backseat, to access his trunk to adjust his speakers and subwoofers.  What I experienced next, was anything but that.  I spent the next hour or so getting raped, while my sister watched, not doing a damn thing.

That night, I went home and purged for the first time.

The secret didn’t come out publicly for 3 and a half years, as the eating disorder had taken completely control of my life, and I did not want to live anymore.

No charges were ever filed due to the fact that I waited so long to tell, and because I blacked out in the middle of the assault.

On my 16th birthday, my sister was still with this man, and he broke beer bottles on the hood of my brand new car, because I was at their house.  Even though I was invited over by my sister, he didn’t care.

When I was 17, he was in jail for a string of robberies, and she secretly married him.  By the time I was 18, the marriage was annulled. 

My sister is now engaged, or possible married to this man and they are expecting their first child together in April. 

In September, I was pretty much forced into spending the day with him, which including going to lunch with him, his son, my sister, my mom, and a family friend at a restaurant where our view from the table was the spot were the attack occurred.

I’m supposed to go stay for a weekend in December with them.  I’m still unsure of how I feel about this.

Next secret…2 weeks after I graduated from high school, my boyfriend died, driving to my house.  I can usually avoid the road when I go into that town, however, in late September, I had to drive past the spot where Ross died.  I had the worlds largest anxiety attack, went to Sonic, binged, and then promptly purged.

I have attempted suicide twice.  Both times were in February of 2008.  My then boyfriends sisters made up lies to get my boyfriend to think I was cheating on him and he fell for it.  The first time was a MAJOR abundance of prescription pills and alcohol.  I was in the ICU for 3 days, and then in the mental health unit for 3 days.  A few days after my discharge, I took more pills, and ended up in the mental health unit for 6 days.  During this hospitalization, I learned of the miscarriage of my brother and (soon to be) sister-in-law.  I was devastated.

I’ve had two brain surgeries since 2006 and suffer from 24/7 headaches, and various other symptoms, which, if you’re reading my blog, you should know the majority of them.  I filed for permanent disability back in June and have yet to get a response.  Last Friday, I called and was told to call today for a determination.  I called, and they wouldn’t tell me over the phone.  I was told I SHOULD be able to find out over the phone come Monday.  I’m pretty sure since I heard that, I’ve broken a couple of toes and bruised up my right hand pretty damn well.  Thank God my dad moves here in a few weeks so he can patch up the huge whole I put in the wall in our office.

Today, I purged, and then I binged, and then I purged some more.  I’m really liking how it feels.

I enjoy the pain it brings me. 

I wish I didn’t have an invisible disease.  I ask myself every day why I couldn’t have had something with a better chance of killing me.  I pray for a disease to kill me.  HELL!  I pray for the damn chiari to kill me.

I only fight for my niece.

I was out to attempt another suicide back about 13 months ago.  I got pulled over, and arrested for a DWAI instead.  Lots of hydrocodone and a little beer.

I smoke for the damage it inflicts on my body and I have no desire to quit.

My teeth are messed up because of the eating disorders and the ICU stays post-op.

My brother has no idea how much he means to me, and it scares me that he’ll probably never realize it.

Danica has saved my life on more than one occasion.

I took a joy ride earlier in my car.

The only reason I made it back home safely was because of Danica coming over to sleep over tonight.

I’m sick.

As some of you may or may not know, my job is taking care of my 9 and a half month old niece Danica.  We usually spend our days here at my house playing on the floor and having numerous very important chants.  I tend to go stir crazy if I sit here too long, so a day or two a week, Danica and I will break out of the house and go on some sort of adventure.  Most of our adventures take place in the grocery store and Target.  Danica LOVES Target, as do I, so it’s always a good place to go.

She was testing out hats one day last month...This was her favorite!

When I began watching Danica this past winter, my sister-in-law and I agreed that it would be easier on me if whenever someone thought Danica was my baby, that I just went with it.  I’m not a big fan of really…talking all too much, so a nod works just fine in this situation.

As per usual, we walked into Target and went straight to Starbucks.

The lady who works in the Starbucks part of Target must be on a set schedule, because I ALWAYS see her there.  She knows me, she knows exactly what I want when I walk in (Hello venti 7 pump vanilla latte!) and she knows Danica, by name.

We walked in, she immediately had the barista start my drink and smiled at us.

“Good Morning, Danica!”  She waved to her and started making the baby noises and funny faces that Danica gets a kick out of.  Danica was giggling and squirming in her seat excitedly.

I promptly handed the lady a $5 bill to pay for my coffee, and was tossing the change in my wallet as she exclaimed…

“Danica!  Weren’t you just here on Saturday with your Daddy?”  She smiled at me and Danica and then looked at me for some sort of response.

Obviously, I don’t keep a close watchful eye on my brother and honestly, I have no idea what the hell he did Saturday except for mow his lawn and put air in the tires of my car, nor do I really care too much about what he did.

I looked down at Danica and smiled at her.  “Were you here Saturday with Daddy?  You didn’t even get me a coffee, little lady?  That’s just rude!”  I pinched her little foot giggling as I put my wallet back in my purse.  Thinking nothing of her being there with my brother, because obviously, he probably needed to buy his kid food or diapers and Target an awesome place for that!

“You’re husband is so handsome!  He has beautiful blue eyes!  Now I know where Danica got those big baby blues from!”

I looked up at her, wondering who the hell she was talking about and then I remembered we were discussing my brother, or as she refered to him…my husband.

I smiled up at her and nodded kindly.  Not saying a word. 

My brother has NEVER drank coffee in his life.  He’s very clean cut, and you couldn’t even pay him to touch coffee, or alcohol.    He’s just THAT clean cut.

The thoughts started running through my mind.  “What in the hell was PHILIP doing at Starbucks!?”  “He doesn’t drink coffee!  He makes fun of me for liking it so much!”

I brushed it off quickly.  Hell, maybe it wasn’t even them, just another pretty damn cute baby who came in with some blue eyed dude….

I then remembered my brother telling me Sunday evening about how they had picked up a cute onesie for Danica at Target when they went shopping as family the night before.

I politely smiled and nodded again as I grabbed my coffee.

The lady began again…

“She was here giggling away with her Daddy and her…..”

She froze and turned as white as a glass of milk.

“OH MY GOD!  I am soooo sorry!”

I looked at her confused. 

“He was with another wo…and it wasn’t you!  I’m so sorry!”

At this point, all the puzzle pieces came together in my head.  Philip and Julia stopped to get JULIA some coffee and one of them must of called her by name. 

The lady kept apologizing over and over again, and even going as far as saying…

“I can’t believe I just informed you about your husband having an AFFIAR!”

Shocked, I looked at her and kindly stated.

“It’s not what you think…I’ll see you later, have a great day!”

I walked out of the Starbucks and went to the baby food asile where I PROMPTLY called my sister in law, laughing so hard, I was damn near in tears.

Making this more enjoyable is the fact that my sister in law was born and raised in Russia, so sometimes you REALLY have to spell out things for her.

I remember once, I went in to check on a napping Danica at their house and came out exclaiming “She’s old cold!” to find Julia jumping out of her seat to go put another blanket on Danica.

As I told Julia the story, I had to go back and rephrase words a couple of times.  She then exclaimed to me that the lady at Starbucks was giving her a weird look Saturday night.  And then, the completely unexpected came from her mouth.

“That’s fucking hilarious!  Next weekend, the four of us should TOTALLY take a trip to Target!”

Wow…I had no idea my sister in law was THIS cool.