I’m a pretty open book.  If you ask me something, I never shy away from giving you a direct answer..I’m very much a “You ask, and I’ll tell” type of girl.

However, there are things in my life that only my family knows about, as well as some friends who live locally in the area.  Other things, only a handful of people are aware of.

As I’m having probably one of the worst days EVER today, I figured I’d blog, and come clean.  Some things, even now, years later, are still very difficult for me to speak of, therefore, I may keep it vague, very vague.

I post this so people will have a better insight of who I am, and why things may affect me in strange ways…

When I was 12, my sister became a drug addict.  Still, 13 years later, I don’t know exactly which drugs she used and I’m pretty sure it was a plethora of just about everything under the sun.  Her then boyfriend got her into the drugs and she liked them, a lot.

In April of 1998, my sister and her boyfriend had to run errands and brought me with them.  We somehow ended up behind a vacant building in the town just south of where I lived.  We were rocking out to some Usher and he said he needed to get in the backseat, to access his trunk to adjust his speakers and subwoofers.  What I experienced next, was anything but that.  I spent the next hour or so getting raped, while my sister watched, not doing a damn thing.

That night, I went home and purged for the first time.

The secret didn’t come out publicly for 3 and a half years, as the eating disorder had taken completely control of my life, and I did not want to live anymore.

No charges were ever filed due to the fact that I waited so long to tell, and because I blacked out in the middle of the assault.

On my 16th birthday, my sister was still with this man, and he broke beer bottles on the hood of my brand new car, because I was at their house.  Even though I was invited over by my sister, he didn’t care.

When I was 17, he was in jail for a string of robberies, and she secretly married him.  By the time I was 18, the marriage was annulled. 

My sister is now engaged, or possible married to this man and they are expecting their first child together in April. 

In September, I was pretty much forced into spending the day with him, which including going to lunch with him, his son, my sister, my mom, and a family friend at a restaurant where our view from the table was the spot were the attack occurred.

I’m supposed to go stay for a weekend in December with them.  I’m still unsure of how I feel about this.

Next secret…2 weeks after I graduated from high school, my boyfriend died, driving to my house.  I can usually avoid the road when I go into that town, however, in late September, I had to drive past the spot where Ross died.  I had the worlds largest anxiety attack, went to Sonic, binged, and then promptly purged.

I have attempted suicide twice.  Both times were in February of 2008.  My then boyfriends sisters made up lies to get my boyfriend to think I was cheating on him and he fell for it.  The first time was a MAJOR abundance of prescription pills and alcohol.  I was in the ICU for 3 days, and then in the mental health unit for 3 days.  A few days after my discharge, I took more pills, and ended up in the mental health unit for 6 days.  During this hospitalization, I learned of the miscarriage of my brother and (soon to be) sister-in-law.  I was devastated.

I’ve had two brain surgeries since 2006 and suffer from 24/7 headaches, and various other symptoms, which, if you’re reading my blog, you should know the majority of them.  I filed for permanent disability back in June and have yet to get a response.  Last Friday, I called and was told to call today for a determination.  I called, and they wouldn’t tell me over the phone.  I was told I SHOULD be able to find out over the phone come Monday.  I’m pretty sure since I heard that, I’ve broken a couple of toes and bruised up my right hand pretty damn well.  Thank God my dad moves here in a few weeks so he can patch up the huge whole I put in the wall in our office.

Today, I purged, and then I binged, and then I purged some more.  I’m really liking how it feels.

I enjoy the pain it brings me. 

I wish I didn’t have an invisible disease.  I ask myself every day why I couldn’t have had something with a better chance of killing me.  I pray for a disease to kill me.  HELL!  I pray for the damn chiari to kill me.

I only fight for my niece.

I was out to attempt another suicide back about 13 months ago.  I got pulled over, and arrested for a DWAI instead.  Lots of hydrocodone and a little beer.

I smoke for the damage it inflicts on my body and I have no desire to quit.

My teeth are messed up because of the eating disorders and the ICU stays post-op.

My brother has no idea how much he means to me, and it scares me that he’ll probably never realize it.

Danica has saved my life on more than one occasion.

I took a joy ride earlier in my car.

The only reason I made it back home safely was because of Danica coming over to sleep over tonight.

I’m sick.