I just made the call.

My disability claim has officially been denied.

I found out 14 minutes ago, and have already purposely made myself sick twice.

My head is throbbing.

My neck is is full of spasms. 

My heart is aching.  I don’t have the heart to call or text either of my parents with the word “DENIED.”

Today, I need pain.  I want to break something or hurt myself.  Causing myself pain is the only way of self-protectiveness I’ve known.

Last night, I was clipping coupons from the Sunday newspaper and my mom made a comment of how well I was using the scissors, as I’ve always had a difficulty operating them.  She made the comment:

“You’re such a good cutter!”

My sick mind got me thinking, as I jokingly made the motion of cutting my wrists with the scissors.  Mom and I both laughed.

Today, I just want to crawl into a deep hole, or dive into a deep pool of water, and never come up again to breathe.

The tears roll down my face.

I’m more scared right now than I was when I woke up surrounded by doctors, fearing that I had an awful allergic reaction to medication,  My tongue was alarmingly swollen.

My dad later informed me that they considered performing a tracheostomy just incase any more swelling happened.

I sit here now, wondering if I left the world, how my mom would react.  If Danica would remember anything about me.  I know she’s so young, she wouldn’t and that in way makes me happy.  Happy she won’t be able to grieve about it or remember.

I’m outraged at the United States government.  Someone as sick and I am can’t get help from my country, however, my sister-in-laws mother is in the process of gaining her citizenship here, and will be supported with health insurance the day she becomes a citizen.

How is that fair, AT ALL?

Last week, I went to my happy place, AKA, a Hanson concert.

I ran into Taylor behind the venue early in the afternoon and gave him Conquer Chiari bracelets, and got a picture with him.  After the show, a group of friends and myself went out by the bus, waiting for the guys to come out.  Taylor was the only one who made it down to where we were.

I explained to him that when I met my niece for the first time, I said “You’re such a doll my dear” to her.  8 months and a week after she was born, I found out those were lyrics in a song off their newest album, “Shout It Out” on a track called “And I Waited.”  I asked of him to write out the lyrics for me to get tattooed on my body for her at a later date.  He obliged happily, and this is what I got.

I love it.  I think it’s perfect, and I think I’m going to go get it put on my back today.  On the day I found out that my claim for disability was denied.  On the 15 month anniversary of Danica’s birth.  I plan to document in Danica’s journal how I’m feeling, and the importance of this tattoo.  She needs to know that she is my world.

She needs to know that, I’m not strong, and she needs to be strong.  She needs to know that She’s made me such a proud aunt.  She’s the only one that ever gives me a reason to smile.  She needs to know that her mother and her maternal gradmother took a major piece of my life away.

She needs to know that I don’t want her looking up to me.  That I’m sick in more ways than one.  I can make her giggle uncontrollably, however, I don’t want her ever envying me.

So, when I go get inked today, Danica will always have my back, as I’ll always have hers.

I hope she isn’t as fucked up as I am.

I love you, DaniBug!